Some changing around of things

Originally I had this idea for my blog. It was supposed to be a space I would visit and that would encourage me to write more frequently, and to go back and read what I'd written and to think about what I'd written, and maybe learn something that way. I'm not sure if it worked out. I think you can close notebooks and put them in your pocket without saying anything, and that this is good, and that maybe there are actual notebooks (as opposed to the internet) for a reason. I found myself frequently feeling miserable, or wishing what I'd written hadn't been thrown out into the universe or any kind of public space. The way I felt reminded me of this tarot card I made when I decided to make my own deck of tarot cards. It had this picture of Harry Houdini hanging upside down in a straight jacket on it. Blogging to me felt exactly like that.

Aside from my own blog, if I read the blogs of others, that would sometimes make me feel miserable, or happy, or frustrated, or amused. In any case, there was a lot of feeling going on with a screen mediating the emotions between people and no benefit of body language, tone of voice, inflection or any other helpful markers. I made lots of quagmires for myself, but that's nothing new, nor is it particularly interesting. I originally set some strict rules for myself with my blog, about what I would post and not post. That is the wrong thing to do with a blog, I think. I don't know what one should do with a blog. Instead of worrying about it, or worrying about other blogs or thinking too much about blogs in general, I'm just going to be as honest in this space as I can. Wait...can I do that?

Part of me doesn't trust blogs. I trust the part of me that doesn't trust blogs. Part of me is fascinated with blogs and thinks the internet has it right; words are best when they touch thanatos, or Lorca's idea of duende. Pissing in the ocean and making shambalas is a good practice, right? Maybe it is if you aren't staring at yourself in a mirror the whole time and worrying about your hair. I tend to distrust the internet because it feels an awful lot like looking in the mirror behind your date's head to check your hair instead of really looking at them. I like to really look at things. Maybe the internet is the best place to really look at things and I'm missing the boat? I like the way that the internet destroys the commodification of things. I hate the way the internet encourages the commodification of things.

Above all, I've decided to relax when I encounter the internet, particularly blogs. I was camping once in Canada and there was a bear that had gotten into our cooler and I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but we just pretended it was no big deal, and relaxed and backed away slowly. I am going to pretend the internet is a bear from now on. I might post poems here, but I'm not going to force myself to only post poems. I might post pictures. I might post pictures of bears. It's summer and I need a new start.